i just hate my life and where its going anymore.
i hate everything about myself.
i hate who i am.
really, sometimes i really question why i was born, to be honest. i think it was just to see how fun it would be to toy with someone.
i feel like i cant trust anyone at all.
i feel like i have no one. i feel completely alone.
i dont know. i just wish maybe i could do something to make everything stop....
to make my waste of space stop.
because i am nothing.

So, I haven't posted a blog in 18 weeks, which is really sad but I just haven't had the time for livejournal. I've been working like a dog, and when I haven't been working I've been going out.

A little over a month ago, something crashed my life and put the brakes on everything I thought my life was going to be this summer and into college. Jimmy and I broke up and my world and my ideas of where my life was going crumbled right in front of my eyes. It was the most depressing thing that had ever happened to me in my entire life, but surely like any one does after they hit rock bottom, they come shooting up. I have come shooting up, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. A guy I liked LOOOOOONGGGGG before jimmy (and possibly while I was with him, I really don't know, I tried not to acknowledge any of it) started to come back. Those same feelings were increasing and becoming more apparent. I still need to tell him about it, but I'm just nervous about telling him about it. Its a good friend of mine, a friendship is important and I don't want to ruin it. But I feel like its something I should put out in the open. I don't want to regret missing a chance I may have had with him.

Anyway, I start school next wednesday and I'm so nervous I can't stand it. I hope there's cute guys and lots of new friends. I'm so excited for Rowan, for something new and refreshing in my life. I need an update, I need something different than what I've had all my life so far. Its time for a change, and I'm definitely ready for stepping up to the life of a commuter college freshman. I'm excited and nervous at the same time, but its going to be a great experience. I wish everyone the best of luck in college and hope to see you at the reunions if I don't see you before that!!!!

BTW, I got a new laptop and i absolutely love it to DEATH!!!!! I love college!! :]
And I still work at Modell's, unfortunately, but I'm trying to find a new job since I'm not getting a promotion.

how can i sit back and watch someone i love do something so stupid and act like i don't even care?
why is it that i'm probably the only person in the senior class who has never drank?
im tired of being the goodie goodie.
i want them to know what i go through every time they decide to go out drinking somewhere stupid.
i want them to know what it feels like to be worried.
i want them to remember what its like to care about someone so much that you honestly can't watch them make stupid decisions because it kills you inside to know that you can't do anything about the situation.

i want them to know what its like to be in my shoes for even ONE time.
and i don't want to go through my high school career thinking what if i had gone to that party instead of being a little goodie two shoes all my life.
and i can't take being the one to worry anymore.
because when someone you love is about to do something stupid and you know about it, you can either sit there and let them make the mistake or try to save them from making a decision they might regret.
but i care too much about people to let them make mistakes.
maybe me starting to drink in these last couple of months of high school is a bad idea, but i want to try it.
i want to be the one to have a good time and have no worries.
i don't want to be the one to worry anymore.

its funny, actually.
i knew my answer to this before.
now i don't even know.

i would've said probably still with jimmy,
but now someone is acting like our relationship is like a summer fling or something.
i would've said most likely out of college with a teaching job.
now i don't even know where i'm going to college.
i've been accepted to two.
i can't choose any college.
jimmy is a factor.
he will influence my decision, as sad as that sounds.
i can't believe i let this happen.
i can't believe he turned into a factor.

i had my life all figured out.
now i don't know about anything.

i'm tired of jen's bitchy attitude to people who have been nothing but nice to her in the past.
i regret i ever forgave her.
i regret that i became friends with her.
i don't want to go to college.
i can't pick anything....
i'll regret any decision i make.
i can't believe he put this stress on me.
not that fucking college isn't stressful enough.


how can you choose between someone you love
and making your dream a reality?

all my life i've wanted to go away to college,
and become the best teacher i could become.
and now i have to choose between my lifelong dream
and someone who has become the most important person in my life.
i don't know what to do anymore.
i don't know what i want anymore.
i feel like everything has become so stressful.
and i don't feel like the same person anymore.
i'm always in a bad mood.
i don't like doing anything anymore.


and i think my life right now is bad.
i have no idea.
making that decision of what college i'm going to is going to be the hardest decision i'll ever make.
i can't choose between the two.
i can't.
there is no way i can ever convince myself jimmy isn't a factor.
and there is no way i can give up my dream.
i don't know what to do.
i'm tired of this, and i'm tired of being stressed.
i can't deal with this anymore.

There is something about this time of the year that is especially apparent this year above all other years. This time of the year is usually filled with a sense of love. I feel like every time this time of the year came around, I would look around and everyone would be in love. But, this year its a little different because I'm not just seeing it all around me, I'm experiencing it firsthand. This time of year is just a really loving vibe, and that is something I really love.

Something else I absolutely love about this year is how happy everyone usually is. Pretty much everyone you know is usually in a good mood around this time of year, which is understandable because so many good things happen around this time of the year. I love the feeling of happiness and just the feeling of everything being okay for once, even though the rest of the year may be stressful and hectic.

I guess there is a lot to love about this time of year just because its "the most wonderful time of the year." =D I never found that song to be as true as I believe it is right now. I love this time of the year. Who doesn't love snuggling up with the one they love by the fireplace with a cup of hot cocoa and nowhere to be? I mean, this time of the year is just filled with love and happiness, and that is why its the most wonderful time of the year.

I wanted to write a journal, but I had no topic to write about. when this happens, I always arrow through the writer's block suggestions and find the most interesting one that I can write the best answer to. sometimes I come across nothing and decide I didn't really want to write one anyway. but, today I came across one of the best topics that writer's block has come up with. things I'm thankful for....what question could produce a better answer than this one? and so I started.....

Things I am thankful for:
1-James Patrick McGuigan. I know there's really no explanation needed for this one, but I'm writing one anyway. this kid means soo much to me. I couldn't even begin to explain how thankful I am to have him in my life. I've always been the one to feel sorry for herself and wonder if I'd ever find someone that felt the same way for me as I did for them. then, jimmy came along. I've wondered how my life would be different if he wasn't in it, and I can't even think about what it would be like. I'm thankful beyond explanation that I have him, and I don't think anyone can truly ever understand how thankful I am for him.
2-FRIENDS<3333 my friends are one of the things I'm the most thankful for. my friends make my life what it is. I really don't know what I'd do without them. my life would be pretty lame without the people I call my friends, I couldn't even begin to imagine how bad it'd be.
3-Food. regardless of the amazing people in my life, I seriously DOUBT that living would be an option if food wasn't involved. and people that don't know me and just see my outside probably would never guess this about me.
4-Family. they've been there for me through everything. they've been there for every decision, every hard time, every birthday, and every holiday. they are a huge part of my life and I'm glad I have them.
5-Field Hockey. its always my life for about 2 months out of the school year, and this year it was the most important. I'm thankful I've had this sport because I wouldn't have met a lot of people if it wasn't for this sport. this sport has given me so much, and its one of my loves. I'm thankful that I've had it for so long.
6-Music. one thing I wouldn't function correctly without. music is a huge factor in my mood sometimes, and I can only imagine how I'd be different if I didn't have my rocket summer or my daft punk.
7-Chocolate. need I say any more?
8-Mr. Lucas. one person that makes my day every time I step into his classroom. I'm so glad he's the last teacher I have every day. what would the world do without chuck??
9-Running sneakers. my job would be a lot harder without these jawns. my running sneakers are like my kids. they're perfect. I'm uber happy my mom got them for me before.
10-Myspace. it is my life on those saturdays where everyone is at work and I'm not in work yet or I'm already home. its how I pass time, and its one of my main forms of communication. although it has become less of a factor in my life because of work, its still a huge part of my life, and I'm glad it exists.

I couldn't help but answer this writer's block.
in honor of thanksgiving, I gave my thanks.

I'm tired of not showing my anger for people the way I normally would because I "don't want to hold grudges this year."
senior year isn't everything I thought it would be so far.
I've realized that the less I want to be in fights, the more fights I get into.
I'm tired of being flipped out on.

I don't want christmas time to come!!!
I'm totally not ready for this.
how do you show how much you love a person through a christmas gift without having a specific idea of what to get them?
I have so many ideas, but the majority of them need confirmation on whether or not he would want them.
no present I buy is ever going to express how much I truly care about him and love him. I hope I get something he absolutely loves, though.

college is stressful and I want it over with.
if one more teacher asks me where I'm applying and what I plan on majoring in, I may just strangle someone.

and I don't get to do fucking powderpuff because I never bought a fucking t-shirt.
I hope senior year becomes more fun soon.
I'm about to fucking shoot myself. lol.

Its here, the day of my 7 months mark with Jimmy. Wow, I can't believe it. This time last year, I hated his guts, and now I don't know what I'd do without him. Its just overwhelming how so much can change in one year, its ridiculous. He means so much to me now, neither of us can even begin to try to understand how we hated each other so much one year ago. He's pretty much the only thing that keeps me functioning throughout the day, knowing I'm going to see him between almost every class and after school in the weight room. I just can't believe its been 7 months.

Homecoming was fabulous. I had such a good time, not gonna lie. Everyone looked gorgeous, our school does clean up very nicely. The only thing that sucked was the whole getting up at 7 to decorate thing. I kind of wish I had been on homecoming court, just because that would've been a really cool thing to do with Jimmy. I mean, I would've loved to be able to tell my kids later on in life that I was on the homecoming court with my boyfriend, but now I have to go into the long, funny story about how apparently people forgot to add my last name when voting and, therefore, votes for myself were ommitted. But, I really didn't feel like dealing with all of the crap that would go along with homecoming court, and I'm glad it was Katy with Jimmy and not some annoying hoe bag I can't stand.

Spirit week was fun, and field hockey is finally fucking over. Praise the lord!!! Indoor track starts after thanksgiving, and I couldn't be more excited.

Today is the beginning of a 5 day weekend, and I get to start it all off with breakfast at ihop with 4 amazing people. I'm so excited. Plus, I get to spend the rest of the day with my lovely boyfriend. AND, a new episode of criminal minds will be on tonight. YESS! It should be a great day.
Thursday is the open house at Stockton. sweeeet.
Friday I got nothing.
Saturday, I work 9:45-5 and then I got nothing.
Sunday, I got nothing.
It sounds like it should be a fulfilling weekend, hopefully with some time to catch up on missing sleep. =D

For those of you who don't know, I unfortunately got a job at Modell's. The people there are really cool, I mean I like most of them, but I just can't take the hours. I got thrown in to one of their busiest times of the year, back to school, and I have 32 hours this week. That's a lot to just jump right into. Plus, I still don't know a whole lot about the store and what we have, so I find myself having to ask other people to help me help someone. Not only that, but I don't see Jimmy at all anymore, and it sucks because he's really the only person I want to see. Our hours for work just don't work out with each other. I would work the same time he did if I could, but I just can't with field hockey. I hate my job, and I can't wait to quit. I'm going to in like a month, since I know I'm not going to be able to handle it if I'm crying now about not having a life. Plus the fact that Jimmy refuses to visit me because I didn't really talk to him when he came in the first day I was there, which should be understandable but apparently its not. I just can't work like this my senior year. I should be having fun this year. Work should not be my number one priority because I won't let it become my number one priority. I have too many other things I want to do this year that work comes second to.

Jimmy and me are doing okay. This whole me getting a job thing has really shaken things up because we're both really afraid we're never going to see each other. I don't want that. I want us to see each other as much as possible. I want to watch Eagles games with him every time they're on. I want to be with him soo much this year because the last thing I want to do is lose him. He means wayy too much to me.

I really don't know what to do. I need money, so I should be looking to keep this job, but Jimmy is really one of the main reasons I want to quit soo bad. Not seeing him puts me in such a bad mood. I can't go a week without seeing him, that would just be soo hard to do. He is my life, work isn't. But, I think that I might need to change that considering I need a job so bad. I need a car, I NEED to go on senior trip. There's stuff I want that I won't be able to have if I do quit this job. I really don't know what to do, someone's gotta help me!!!!!

What are you afraid of?


----To be completely honest, I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid of growing up, moving on. I've come to love the people around me today. The people that I'm friends with now are all so important to me and I don't want to lose them. I'm afraid that I'll go off to college and lose touch with basically everyone except jimmy, veronica, jen, and lillian. I really can't have that happen, everyone is too important to me. I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid that I'm going to do something really stupid one day and ruin everything I have in my life right now. I'm afraid of not getting into the college I want to get into. I'm afraid of this year being over. Senior year is supposed to be the greatest year, the most fun, and the happiest year of high school. I'll tell you one thing, with Jimmy and Veronica and Jen and Lillian in my life, its already that. They're going to make this year worthwhile, in my opinion. I love all four of them so much. They mean the world to me. I know this is really cheesy and all, but its true. I just realized, I'm afraid of what my life would be like right now if Jimmy and I still hated each other. I can't even imagine it. He's so important to me now, the kid is like my life. It hasn't even been 4 months and I feel like I've been with him so much longer. It would be so scary to not have him in my life.

You know what else I'm afraid of? I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid that people won't know how much they mean to me and how much I love them when I die. I'm afraid of what comes after dying. Yeah, I believe in Heaven and all, but I'm always of afraid of the stuff coming to me that I know nothing about. I hate jumping into things without knowing what will come of it. I'm afraid of what dying will be like. I'm afraid that my life won't be complete when I die.

Wow, this was a completely different post from what I normally write about. This question just brought so much out of me.

its been pretty awesome being me since summer began.

I think I've swam more so far this summer than I ever have during any other summer, and its not even close to being over.

me and jimmy are doing GREAT. he's probably one of the best things to ever happen to me. my summer has consisted so much of seeing him and hanging out with him that it scares me what it's gonna be like the next couple of weeks where we aren't gonna see each other. =( I didn't think we'd get so close this quick, but we're finding ourselves missing each other like crazy after not seeing each other for only like a day. I don't know what I'd be doing this summer if it weren't for him, and we realized this when we were on the phone. I guarantee I'd be bored out of my mind if I weren't with him. I'm so happy. =D

anyway, next week we're going on vacation. the ENTIRE family. =/ but, we're going to ocean city, one of my favorite places to be, so I probably won't be around my family a whole lot. the only thing is that we're gonna be there on my birthday, so the whole birthday party thing is thrown off this year. not only is it thrown off because of vacation, but also because of field hockey camp, which I leave for the day after I get back from vacation. =/ talk about jumping back into reality.

field hockey is exciting so far, but I realized that I really haven't been running as much as I expected to be running. this 100 mile club thing hasn't been working out as awesome as I thought it was going to, mostly because I always end up doing something when I plan on running. I definitely need to start getting up early and running or something.

the fray, mae, and ok go concert was definitely the highlight of my summer so far. I'm pretty sure it was the best concert I've ever been to, which means it beats out teddy. *gasp* I know, better than teddy. that just goes to show you how awesome it was.

anyway, I just thought I'd update since I haven't in 5 weeks, which is a really long time. =D

why do I all of a sudden feel like I should never be in a relationship ever again in my entire life? I feel like I'm so much less into this whole relationship thing than him, and its really weird. I think of how I probably should be acting with him and how I do act, and I feel like its not for me.


I'm such a prude, too. the last thing I want to do is get more serious right now, and apparently I'm the only one. I'm still in the process of figuring out where I stand as of right now. I feel like we're on completely different pages.

its weird. some days, I couldn't be happier than where I'm at. other days, I just wish I was single again and didn't have the obligation. I like him, but I feel like I don't like him enough. I don't know what to do! the best part is that I can't even confide in my best friends because I'm afraid word will get back to him somehow. I need someone to talk to. I need my life back where it was before.

I'm in too deep, there's too much on my plate. I can't keep up with friends, boyfriend, school, clubs, sports, family, etc. its just too much for me to take.

and, its days like these that I wonder what I got myself into. other days, I'm the happiest girl ever.
it doesn't make sense to me. maybe its because I have absolutely no experience. maybe I shouldn't even be questioning anything right now, I feel like I have no authority to question it.

why can't life go back to when boys had cooties? it was much easier to live then.

other than all of this going on in my life, its officially ONE MONTH until the fray concert!!!! =D

prom is ridiculous. so much drama is coming along with it and I'm just tired of it. my parents and jimmy tell me to not let it ruin my night, but I just can't help it. I worry about it too much. but, whatever. maybe it won't be as bad as I think its going to be.

me and jimmy are doing just peachy.
one month soon. =D

I can't wait for summer and the fray concert!!

so, I finally got myself a boyfriend. =D

I don't know. it feels weird, though. it might just be that this is like the first time I've had like a real boyfriend, but it still feels weird. I don't know, I'll probably get over it eventually. its just really hard to explain to anyone unless you're in my head and know exactly how I feel, then you'd probably understand a little better.

Prom is less then a month away!!!!!


and musical is this week!!!!!

and, I officially have no life for the next two weeks.
sweeeeeeeeet.

life is becoming better and better every day. well, a lot has happened this week. all of it is very exciting.

well, for starters, I ended up getting third in hurdles out of the gateway girls and I won both of my heats. =D it was really awesome.

secondly, I got my PROM DRESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its sooooo pretty. I love it. it should be coming in sometime this week, and I can't wait to see what it looks like on me in the right size and the right color. its just another thing that makes me even more excited for prom. =D

thirdly, I GOT INTO NATIONAL HONOR SOCIETY!!!!!!!!!! I was so excited when my mom gave me the letter. I was actually kind of nervous that I wouldn't get in because I've been really quiet in my classes this year, but its just because I don't really know anyone in my classes and I feel weird speaking out my opinion in front of them, especially all the seniors I have in my classes. but, I guess my activities and my grades got me in.

fourthly, I think I'm starting to like him more. =D we went to the movies tonight, and he said something really cute and cheesy, but I don't even care. sometimes the cheesiest things are the cutest. lol. v-connnn knows who I'm talkin' about.

fifthly, I CANNOT WAIT FOR PROM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish it was a lot sooner!!!!!! its going to be a really interesting night, and probably a night to remember. it really is going to be really exciting, I wish it was on the 20th like my cousins'. that would be AMAZING!!!

sixthly, les mis is starting to come along GREAT. it kind of doesn't feel like musical time, because our practices suck and i don't really do anything at them, but I love this show.

seventhly, I CANNOT WAIT FOR SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the fourth day of summer, I'm going to the fray, mae, and OK Go concert with veronica!!!! we're going to have sooo much fun, and these bands are going to be amazing. we're in the pit, so I'm hoping we can get close enough to the stage so that we can like reach out our hands and have band members touch them!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D

alright, so, its late. and I have church tomorrow. I'm outtie, yooo.

I now have a prom date, and I am actually excited for prom now.


my mom is being so annoying about it, though. like, whenever we talk about anything prom now she dances around like an idiot. I just wanna be like "mom, its only prom, like you said. its not like I'm marrying the kid. I could understand the dancing then, but its only prom."


I have to go out on sunday to go find a dress now, though. the thing that sucks about that is that its me, my mom, and my aunt now, too. I feel like everyone's making a huge deal about it. I mean, finding a dress for prom shouldn't be like a huge get-together for all the women in my family. it should just be like me and my mom. I bet you I shoot myself after we go out. my mom and my aunt are gonna push their opinions so much. they better not talk me out of a dress that I like, I'll strangle them. lol. maybe not that far, but I'll get very angry and embarrass them. that's just as good.


don't get me wrong. I'm so excited I got asked to prom, especially since it was the person I was kinda hoping would. we're gonna have so much fun. seriously.



p.s. FINALLY not a prude anymore. =D

why is it that I always end up liking the people who don't seem to give two shits about me?!

why is it that I'm always the one who can't find a date to anything, can't find a guy just to hook up with and see where it goes, can't seem to find a guy that would even want to hook up with her?

I thought I had finally found someone who I could POSSIBLY have SOMETHING with for once, but I don't even know anymore. he doesn't talk to me unless we're sitting there in person with very few people there with us.

I just don't understand. I'm tired of this crap. why does this always happen to me?! why can't I just get a guy for ONCE?! JUST ONCE?! is that too much to ask?!

I REALLY want to go to prom with him. I don't want to go with a stranger, I don't want to go with just a friend...I want to go with him. prom would just mean so much more. like, I know that I would have fun. and, I can't see myself going with anyone else to be completely honest.

I just......I don't know yet if I want to ask him. I was hoping he'd ask me, but I don't think that's going to happen. really wish it would, but I highly doubt it. I know I'll end up asking him, because he's the only person that would make sense for me to go with.

I tried on prom dresses in macy's last night, and I found a modern-day belle dress. its sooo cute, and I'm seriously thinking of getting it. I want prom to be like a fairytale, and there's only one person I want as my prince.

SATs are finally done, THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that's probably the only thing good about this weekend so far.
well, that and my parents got me tickets to THE FRAY!! =D

I definitely think I like him now.


And, I don't really think its a secret that he likes me, even if its just a tiny bit.


I hope this one goes somewhere.


I actually really hope it goes somewhere.